The holidays are supposed to be a time of fun and rest, and they can be, but they can also be about complicated family dynamics, old expectations, unsolicited opinions, crowded calendars, difficult conversations, and approximately 47 opportunities to say yes when you really want to say no.
Oh boy. Did your whole body just tighten?
The best time to define and revisit your boundaries is before they are tested, which is why now is a great time. But one caveat: we often talk about boundaries as something we set with other people, but there is another kind of boundary that can be just as important, and that’s the boundaries we create within ourselves. Let’s get all your parts on the same page, so they don’t relent to outside pressure.
External boundaries: What are you willing to participate in?
Let's start with the obvious one.
Other people don't automatically get access to every part of you simply because you're related to them, have known them for years, or see them during the holidays. Read that again if you need to.
You are allowed to decide what conversations you participate in.
You are allowed to decide how much time you spend somewhere.
You are allowed to say no to plans.
You are allowed to take a break.
You are allowed to leave.
And you are allowed to change your mind.
A boundary isn't about controlling another person's behavior. Unfortunately, the technology hasn’t been developed to make someone stop asking intrusive questions, making inappropriate comments, or pushing your limits.
A boundary is about deciding what you will do in response.
That might sound like:
"I'm not going to discuss my relationship tonight."
"If this conversation becomes disrespectful, I'm going to step away."
"We're heading home after dinner."
"I'm not available for that."
And guess what? You don't always need a five-minute explanation! Sometimes "no" really can be a complete sentence.
Internal boundaries: The ones no one else can see
Internal boundaries can be a little harder to recognize. These are the boundaries we set around our own expectations, responsibilities, and emotional reactions.
For example:
You can care about someone's feelings without taking responsibility for them.
You can disagree with someone without convincing them to agree with you.
You can disappoint someone without being a bad person.
You can recognize that someone is upset without immediately trying to fix it.
You can love your family without being available to them all the time.
You can decide that a particular comment doesn't require a response.
And, perhaps most importantly, you can stop expecting yourself to make every situation comfortable for everyone.
What does IFS have to do with boundaries?
In Internal Family Systems, we understand that different parts of us can have different reactions to the same situation.
You might have a people-pleasing part that desperately wants everyone to be happy.
You might have a protective part that gets angry when someone crosses a line.
You might have a part that wants to avoid conflict at all costs.
You might have a part that believes saying no makes you selfish.
During the holidays, these parts can get especially loud.
One part says, Just go. They'll be upset if you don't. Another says, Absolutely not. We're done with these people. Another says, Maybe if I explain myself perfectly, everyone will understand.
None of these parts are necessarily wrong. They're trying to protect you in different ways. Instead of immediately letting one part take over, you can get curious:
What is this part worried will happen if I set a boundary?
What is it trying to protect me from?
What does it believe I will lose if I say no?
This can help create a little space between the feeling and the reaction.
Boundaries don't have to be dramatic
There can be a misconception that setting boundaries means having a huge confrontation. It doesn't!
Sometimes a boundary looks like leaving the room for five minutes, changing the subject, not responding to a text immediately, making your own transportation arrangements so you can leave when you’re ready, deciding ahead of time how long you’ll stay, or yes, giving yourself permission to skip something entirely.
A boundary can be quiet and kind. It can also be uncomfortable.
Before the holidays, give yourself the gift of reflection
Before the calendar fills up, take a moment to think about what you actually need this holiday season.
What’s something you want this holiday season that you’d feel disappointed without?
Where have you historically overextended yourself?
Who do you feel responsible for keeping happy?
What conversations or situations consistently leave you feeling depleted?
Where do you have trouble saying no? What do you wish you could say instead? What parts of you become activated when you imagine setting that boundary?
Maybe your people-pleasing part is afraid you'll be rejected, or that being a good person means being always available. Or your conflict-avoidant part is trying to protect you from an argument.
Listen to them for input, but then ask yourself what you need. You are driving this thing and you get to decide.
Protecting your peace isn't selfish
Healthy boundaries aren't about punishing people or cutting everyone off. They're about creating enough space to have relationships that are sustainable and authentic. Sometimes, protecting your peace means accepting that someone else may not like your boundary.
That can be hard, especially if you've spent years believing that other people's comfort is your responsibility.
In case you forgot, it isn't. You can love people and have limits. You can care deeply and still say no.
As the holidays approach, give yourself permission to revisit your boundaries, both external and internal. You don't have to arrive at every gathering as a version of yourself who can tolerate anything. You get to arrive as yourself, a person with needs.
