When Resting Feels Impossible
We all know we need rest. We also know how surprisingly difficult it can be to actually rest.
You finally have a free afternoon, and instead of relaxing, you start making a mental list of everything you could be doing. Dishes, emails, laundry, and that thing you’ve been meaning to organize for six months.
Or maybe you sit down and immediately reach for your phone to scroll.
Maybe you feel guilty.
Maybe you feel restless.
Maybe your body is exhausted, but your brain refuses to slow down.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, there may be a reason that slowing down feels so uncomfortable.
The part of you that won’t let you rest
IFS is based on the idea that we all have different parts of ourselves. These parts can have different emotions, beliefs, memories, and roles. Some parts carry painful experiences, while others develop ways of protecting us from those experiences.
Some of those protective parts can be very busy. They may push you to achieve, stay productive, anticipate problems, take care of everyone else, or constantly improve yourself. They may believe that if you stop moving, something bad will happen.
So when you try to rest, one of these parts might immediately become uncomfortable. They might be saying something like:
You should be doing something.
You’re wasting time.
You’re falling behind.
Everyone else is working harder than you.
What if you forget something?
You might be wondering how to turn these voices off completely. Stick with us here. What if you got curious about them instead?
What is your productivity protecting you from?
A protector part that pushes you to stay busy isn't necessarily trying to make your life miserable. Crazy as it sounds, this part may actually believe that it is helping you. How can helping look so unpleasant?
Maybe productivity became associated with safety.
Maybe you received approval growing up based on achievement.
Maybe being useful was how you learned to feel worthy.
Maybe slowing down once resulted in getting criticized, falling behind, or being reminded that there was always more you could be doing.
Maybe you learned that your value came from what you accomplished rather than simply from being you.
Whatever the reason, over time, a part of you may have decided that resting isn’t safe.
That doesn't mean the belief is true, but it does mean that part of you still believes it.
Rest can bring things to the surface
There is another reason rest can feel uncomfortable: when we're constantly busy, we don't always have to feel everything. And feeling can be really uncomfortable! Sometimes with a little space to think, like in the shower or while doing dishes, an unpleasant memory surfaces or we think of something sad that happened recently.
Sometimes it feels easier to seek distraction, even when it is exhausting. Working, taking care of others, cleaning, or even doomscrolling are all ways to stay distracted.
So if resting makes you anxious, it doesn't mean you're bad at resting. It may mean that some part of you has learned that staying busy is a way to cope.
What if you got curious instead of forcing yourself to relax?
IFS doesn't ask you to force a part to stop doing its job. Instead, we can begin by getting curious. You might notice the part that starts getting restless when you sit down. Instead of giving in or actively resisting it, stop and reflect:
What does it want you to do?
What is it afraid might happen if you don't listen?
How long has it been working this hard?
What does it believe would happen if you allowed yourself to rest?
You don't have to immediately change anything. You can simply listen. That shift can be surprisingly powerful.
Instead of Why can't I just relax?, you might begin asking, Why does relaxing feel unsafe right now?
You don't have to earn your rest
Yes, here we are again at generational trauma. Many of us grew up with messages about productivity that are difficult to unlearn. Messages like work hard, be responsible, don't be lazy, make something of yourself, push through.
Sleep when you're dead.
Some of these messages may have helped us survive or succeed, but that doesn't mean we have to carry all of them forever. Rest is not a reward for being productive enough. Rest is part of being human.
Allowing yourself to rest can be an act of trust: trusting that you don't have to constantly accomplish something to be worthy of care.
If rest feels impossible right now, you don't have to force yourself into complete stillness. Start small.
Take five minutes without accomplishing anything. Notice what comes up, and rather than immediately trying to make those feelings go away, get curious about the parts of you that are having a hard time slowing down.
They may have something important to tell you.
And they may eventually learn that you can take care of yourself without running yourself into the ground.
